


no heart for me like yours

by inlovewithimpossibility



Series: inlovewithimpossibility's Olicity Summer Sizzle 2019 Fics [9]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Olicity Summer Sizzle, Post-Elseworlds Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Post-Prison, mental health discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 09:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20095039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlovewithimpossibility/pseuds/inlovewithimpossibility
Summary: After weeks of chaos following Oliver's release from Slabside, Oliver and Felicity finally have a moment to sit down and discuss how they move forward from here on out(for OSS weekly prompt: mental health exploration/character study)





	no heart for me like yours

In the days that follow Oliver and Barry’s insane body swap experience, which Felicity still can’t believe is a thing that legitimately happened, the two of them take some time to properly reconnect without the pressures of the SCPD or Team Arrow weighing down on them.

It’s two days into their self-proclaimed vacation and it’s been a glorious reprieve of food, conversation, and intimacy. And by intimacy, Felicity means sex.

A _lot _of sex.

Despite the calm feeling that seems to have settled over the apartment, Felicity can’t seem to stop the storm that’s raging inside of her. Sleep is still evading her, as it has been for months, and for the first time since she’s known Oliver, it feels like he’s sleeping through the night better than she is.

Tonight, for some reason, it’s harder than usual for some reason. She feels like maybe it’s because she hasn’t worked on her code for a couple of days, so focused on her marriage and her husband. It’s not that she begrudges the steps that she and Oliver have taken over the past few days; she’s so thankful for that and their reconnection. However, Felicity’s brain has never been good at focusing on just one thing.

She’s always been the kind of person to have a million different things going on. As a girl, it was always school work, as much extra credit as her brain could handle, and a million other side projects. It had only gotten more intense as she grew. As a teenager, she threw in working two part-time jobs so that she could start saving for college. Then she’d met Oliver and the whirlwind lifestyle of vigilantism had swept into her life.

She claims that she likes having things to flick between when she’s frustrated with a singular task. The ability to concentrate on something else when one thing just isn’t making sense helps her to cope with the intense thoughts of failure that tend to sweep through her when she’s struggling with a task.

The past few months have been some of the hardest she’s endured. Being separated from Oliver was difficult enough but that on top of having to help a teenager acclimatize to yet another house and town, worrying the safety of said teenager every waking hour, and constantly having to look over her shoulder was exhausting and terrifying.

The issue is, now that Oliver’s home, Felicity’s struggling with knowing how to turn all of that _off. _

She looks over at Oliver, his chest rising and falling steadily as he slumbers. She’s always found the sight of her husband sleeping incredibly beautiful. To see a man so plagued by struggle and strife so peaceful is just inherently awe-inspiring to Felicity. She moves his arm off of her as gently as she can and takes him in for just a second longer with a soft smile before she moves into the main room of the apartment, throwing on a pair of pajama pants and Oliver’s hoodie she finds lying on the floor.

It’s impossible not to glance into the empty space of William’s room as she passes it. She and Oliver spent so long picking out things they thought William might like, inspired entirely by his interests. In this cold and almost sterile apartment, it’s the one room that feels like it has a personality. And William has never even stepped foot in it.

Taking a deep breath and shaking her head to try and physically get the depressing thoughts out of her head, she moves through the apartment to the desk set up.

Coding has always felt like home to Felicity. The numbers and shortcuts have been there for her through everything, at times when it felt like no one else was. When she was younger, she used to say that computers felt far more like home than people ever had. As she’s grown that mindset has evolved and she’s let so many people into her life that she wouldn’t change for the world. Oliver, William, her mom, John, Lyla, Thea, Roy, the list goes on and on. Computers, however, still hold a huge piece of her heart.

Losing track of time and space in numbers on her screen has never been uncommon for Felicity so she’s unsurprised when she looks up to see the sun rising through the window of the apartment.

A soft stumble from the other side of the room alerts Felicity to what drew her attention in the first place.

Oliver is stood by the island of the kitchen, looking blearily adorable as he acclimatizes to the bright room.

“Hey, you.” She smiles at him and he frowns, stumbling over towards her. However, just before he reaches her, he turns to head for the couch at the last moment. She can’t contain her grin at the way he groans, reaching out for her after he sinks into the cushions, and she obliges, rounding the couch to sink into his arms.

“When did you get up?” He questions quietly and Felicity is quiet for a moment, relaxing into the feeling of his arms around her and his fingers running through her loose hair. “Honey…?”

“I… I don’t know what time it was.” She replies, concentrating on the sight of her bright blue nail as she draws patterns over his bare chest.

“Felicity…” He sighs and she winces at his tone of voice. It’s still soft and gentle but Felicity can hear the traces of disappointment slipping through.

“I couldn’t sleep.” She tries to justify but Oliver merely tightens his arms around her, burying his nose in her hair. Felicity feels and hears him breathe her in, his hand slipping under his hoodie to rub over her bare back.

“Did you have a nightmare?” He questions and Felicity bites her lip.

“I um… I wasn’t asleep long enough for that.” She admits under her breath and she hears Oliver let out another long sigh.

“Honey…”

“It’s just so silly. Everything has finally calmed down, you’re _here, _and we’re safe but… for some reason, I just can’t help but feel so overwhelmed.”

She speaks into his chest, not wanting to look up into his eyes even as he loosens his grip on her to encourage her to do so. His hand slips down to her cheek and Felicity shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut. Here has always been safe. Safer than even computers and coding. She doesn’t want to remove herself from that safe feeling especially when her mindset feels so shaken.

“Honey, do you want to have this conversation right now?” Oliver asks her and Felicity takes a deep breath.

“Yes.” She tells him and she sighs as she feels him press a kiss into her hair.

“Then you know how we do this.” He tells her, keeping his voice soft and gentle, and Felicity takes a deep breath, nodding her head.

These are her rules, implemented from even before she and Oliver ever got together. There were times when Oliver would find himself on her couch after her mission, talking through his mindset in that moment or something he finally felt comfortable sharing with her about his time on the island with her. She’d discovered that Oliver has a habit of leaning into affection, concentrating and distracting himself with touching someone or something else. In the beginning, it had been holding her hand or a pillow on her couch but as they grew more comfortable around each other and eventually stopped denying their feelings for each other, it had been holding her on his lap or fiddling with her hair. Finally, on their road trip, Felicity had implemented these rules. She told him that when they have these conversations, she feels like it’s important for them to remove their intimacy from the equation and for them to connect on a deeper level than just the physical one. It’s worked incredibly well for them over the years and Oliver has implemented the same technique on her time and time again.

Felicity takes a deep breath, breathing in that safe feeling for a moment longer before she nods her head, pulling back from him and putting some space between them. Oliver smiles at her, that dopey smile that has made her melt from the moment he stepped into her cubicle at QC all those years ago.

“You want me to start?” He asks after a silence settles over them and Felicity bites her lip as she nods her head.

“Yes please.” She admits quietly and Oliver smiles, winking at her softly. She’s always liked his ability to make these conversations less stressful and more like a natural progression of their relationship.

“Just because you’re out of that stressful situation, it doesn’t mean that living in that situation for so long hasn’t had its effects on you. And it’s not like we’re not still surrounded by stress and those kinds of situations.” Oliver tells her and Felicity takes a deep breath, blowing it out slowly as she thinks through his words.

It’s not like she’s trying to deny that the past months haven’t had an effect on her. It’s just that she’s trying to work out how those changes can work now that her husband is home and with her again.

“I just… sometimes… no, that’s silly.” She starts to say and looks away, biting her lip.

“Hey. It’s not silly to talk about your feelings. Would you ever let me get away with a comment like that?” Oliver asks her, looking at her with a stern expression and Felicity can’t help the smile that spreads across her face at his words. She’s so proud of how far he’s come, how open and accepting he is now of his mental health and the need to discuss his feelings.

“No.” She smiles, shaking her head and he smiles slightly as well.

“Exactly.” He tells her and Felicity takes a deep breath. It’s strange, she’s never felt like words have been evaded her except for when it comes to talking about her feelings.

Luckily for her, Oliver knows her better than anyone else in the world.

“I know that you feel like all the changes you implemented when I was away have been flipped since I’ve come home.” He starts and Felicity takes a deep breath. She swallows and looks upwards, trying to blink away the tears that are starting to cloud her vision.

“It’s strange to go from having to be in control to feeling like I have to hide behind you again.” She finally manages to admit, her words slow and calculated. She doesn’t want Oliver to feel like she’s placing any blame on him because she isn’t. He’s really been making an effort since he got back from Slabside and she appreciates that more than she could ever put into words.

“When has Felicity Smoak ever hidden behind a man?” He smiles at her, winking once more when she manages a small giggle. “Okay, so how about we try and work out some compromises that might help you get some of that control back?”

Bless this man. He’s beautiful in a million different ways but Felicity doesn’t think she’ll ever get over doting husband Oliver Queen. It’s second only to adorable father Oliver Queen in her books.

“I don’t want you to feel out of control though.” Felicity frowns as she lets out another long breath. Oliver just huffs out a chuckle as he shakes his head.

Sticking to the rules, he offers up his hand, palm up to invite her into the contact if that’s what she wants in this moment and Felicity smiles at his adorable shyness as she wipes her tears away before she slides her hand into his. He squeezes her hand and rubs his thumb over the back of hers, his eyes on the contact before he looks up to her with a small smile.

“I think that we’ve been concentrating on my mental health for so long that you’ve forgotten to implement all of the good advice to yourself. I think we need a little more back and forth rather than the one-way street we’ve had going for a while.” Oliver speaks slowly, obviously calculating his words carefully and Felicity frowns, shaking her head. She does not want to put this on him, this is not his fault.

“Oliver… you are an amazing husband. I do not hold you accountable for what I’ve been feeling recently.” She tells him honestly, forgoing her own rules to close an inch of the space between them. It’s suffocating to her and she needs him to know how intensely she feels about this.

“Maybe you need to.” He tells her, that darn self-deprecating smile on his face that honestly drives her crazy.

“No.” She tells him decisively, her other hand landing on top of his. She tugs on it, forcing him to look her in the eye but he merely smiles that smile at her, reaching out to tuck one of her curls behind her ear gently.

“Baby, if I had not made the decision to make the deal with the FBI, I would not have gone to prison and you would not have been in the situation where you felt so helpless,” Oliver tells her and Felicity takes in his words, frowning as he looks her in the eyes without a shred of judgment. It’s as if he’s ready to hear her blame him for her uneasiness and that breaks her heart a little.

“But you… I know that it was the only choice you could have made.” She tells him, fiddling with his hand squished in between both of her own.

“Weren’t you the one who told me there’s always another way?” He questions, raising an eyebrow and Felicity bites her lip as she fights a smile at his expression. Taking a deep breath, she thinks about how _useful _this conversation about blame really is. As good as it is to address their feelings and what they’re still holding back about the Slabside situation, Felicity thinks that perhaps addressing what they need to do moving forwards is a better way to _actually_ move forwards from it.

“I… at the time, that’s the only choice you _felt _like you had. Even if maybe I could have opened your eyes to other options, I can understand where you were coming from. I just hope that in the future, you can open your eyes to a wider scope when you make these kinds of decisions, rather than relying on your survivor’s instinct.” She admits and Oliver nods. Felicity watches as he obviously computes her words and he manages a small smile when he looks back into her eyes a moment later.

“I never want to make you feel like this again. You and our family are the best things in my life and I am dedicated to making you a priority because you _are_ a priority to me.” Oliver tells her, his voice filled with as much emotion as it was stood in the ARGUS meeting room a few days ago. It makes her tear up, just as it always has and she smiles softly, nodding her head. “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much.”

“More than a human being should love another human being?” Oliver smirks, raising an eyebrow and Felicity’s smile widens.

“Something like that. Maybe, love is too small a word and you will always be the love of my life?” She poses herself, raising her own eyebrow and delighting at the easy grin that spreads across his beautiful face.

“Who came up with that? Whoever it was sounds like a poet.” He comments loftily and Felicity cannot stop the snort that rises through her as she shakes her head.

“Dork.” She comments, looking at him reproachfully but he merely smiles dopily at her, tugging her closer with an arm around her waist. It’s clear that the heavier part of their conversation is over and she goes willing, leaning her head on her favorite spot of his shoulder.

“But I’m your dork. Forever.” He tells her and her smile grows into a grin.

“That you are.”

“Do you think maybe it might be a good idea for you to speak to someone as well?” Oliver asks, his voice softer again for just a moment as he runs his fingers through her hair. Felicity breathes deeply. She’s been to therapy before, Oliver had practically insisted on it when she basically stopped sleeping after her accident three years ago and she kept it up through the disaster of their breakup and Havenrock. When everyone left town, however, and the responsibility of saving the city fell solely on her and Oliver’s shoulders, she stopped going to free up more time to be in the bunker. She hasn’t been back since.

“I… maybe.” She agrees and Oliver smiles down at her, tugging her properly into his lap as he plants a kiss to her temple.

“We deserve to take the time to rejuvenate ourselves as well as our relationship with each other. In fact, I think in order to really move forward together, we need to look at ourselves.” He tells her honestly, his arm sneaking around Felicity’s waist up underneath his old hoodie. The pride rises in her again as she thinks about how far her husband has come, even in the past few months.

“I’m not too sure how down I am with this zen version of you.” She tells him after a moment of silence, her false sense of seriousness falling away as she can’t stop the giggle that bubbles up in her in response to his adorably confused expression. He huffs at her for a second before he gently pinches her side, making her giggle even more.

“Brat.” He comments and she grins, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Your brat. Forever.” She tells him, reiterating his earlier words and he merely grins down at her, brushing her hair out of her face once more. To know that she has the support of Oliver through all of this as she works out what she’s truly feeling and how to cope with it means the absolute world to her. “But seriously, I think that talking to someone might be a really great idea.”

Oliver grins at her admission and he nods his head, his hands moving to cup her face.

“I love you.”

“I love you so much.”

The kiss that follows is soft and sweet and filled with all the promises they’ve made to each other today and over the years. Felicity finally feels like they’re moving forwards together instead of on different paths and she’s so grateful for that shift.

“I’ll love you even more if you make me pancakes.” She comments as they pull apart and Oliver laughs, hugging her tightly to him.

Tomorrow, Oliver will speak to his therapist at ARGUS about scheduling a session for Felicity to talk to her but for now, pancakes and a lazy day feels like the rejuvenation day that they both desperately need.


End file.
